Ok, so there is this show on VH1 called ‘I Love New York’, except it’s not about New York at all, it’s about a woman called New York, who is actually really called Tiffany Pollard.

With me so far? Good.

Well, this is a dating show. You see, what happens is that several brave warriors – who also have names seemingly picked at random from a newspaper - try their hand at winning New York, a woman with a bizarrely over-inflated sense of her own attractiveness. She likes some more than others. Then she changes her mind. But eventually one of them gets to take her out. Or something. 

 Ok, well I have couple of  problems with this, namely;-

1) No-one knows what New York looks like without her make-up, wig and push up bra.

New York

I mean, come on. There might be something horrible going on under there. I’m not fighting for a wench just because everyone else is. New York, I suspect that your beauty is as genuine as your name.

2) The whole premise of this show – and perhaps New York’s fame – rests on her eligibility.

So you’re really gonna choose someone to settle down with, New York? You’ll go and bake cakes and raise children in the ‘burbs and leave this whole dating tv thing to someone else? Yeah, right.

3) This all happens under the watchful eye of her Mother.

Yes, her MOTHER. As any spear-thane knows, this is not conducive to romance and reduces the chances of swifan to absolutely none, zero, zilch, nada, nothing. Wōden help us, just the thought of it makes my mead curdle.

Anyway, do watch it. It’s insanely good, even if you have no idea why these proud warriors are even bothering given the plentiful supply of unenhanced, unaccompanied and genuinely available women out there.

http://www.vh1.com/shows/i_love_new_york/season_1/series.jhtml

Only the fullness of time will prove the musical genius that is Boostalk, and with this video he has left mankind a monument to the eternal glory of hip hop.

Or something.

• Hanging out on the beach
• Heavy and/or pretentious discussions
• Celebrity gossip
• Trash tv
• Collecting memorabilia of obscure bands
• Classic rock
• 70’s disco
• Myth and legend
• Drinking tea
• Duvet days
• Self-righteous drunken conversations
• Repetitive humour
• Rebellious yet pointless behaviour
• Generously proportioned women
• Most stuff that can be termed ‘bizarre’
• Ridiculously over-sensationalised and factually bankrupt news reportage
• Those wierd cartoons you see on TV in the middle of the night on Channel 4
• Poker

Seriously.. feel free to add to the list! Here’s Ian Dury and the Blockheads.

You remember how those ‘Skull and Roses’ tattoos were fashionable in the 80’s?

You know how those ‘Tribal Maori’ sleeves and ‘Barbed Wire’ armband tattoos of the 90’s seem a bit passé now?.. 

Well, about those star tattoos on your wrists..

OK, here are the rules – you drink whenever you hear one of these clichés. Obviously, the aim of the game is to get drunk. I’ll leave it to you lot to figure out who wins. Or something.

Ready? Good.

• I/he/she/you/they have been on an ‘incredible journey’
• I really ‘want/need’ this
• ‘..PLEASE’, directed at ‘Sympathy Judge’ (Cheryl Cole, Paula Abdul, Sharon Osbourne et cetera)
• The contestant is ‘kooky’
• The contestant is not conventionally attractive, but (gasp) can sing! Step forward Paul Potts, Susan Boyle et cetera
• The contestant is disabused of the notion that they are musically and vocally competent by the ‘Antipathy Judge’ (Simon Cowell)
• ‘You’re wrong, Simon Cowell! You haven’t heard the last of me!’ (Come on, we don’t even hear about the people who win a year after the show finishes!)
• It’s a split decisison (or too early in the series to boot out the mediocre..) give the deciding vote to the ‘Sympathy Judge!’
• Contestant cries 
• I’m doing this for my Grandad / teacher / cat et cetera..
• ‘I just wanna make a better life for my kids’ (another way of saying this is ‘I want more money’)
• Sympathy Judge cries
• Simon Cowell looks offended by less than competent singing (cue rolling eyes!)
• Audience cries
• The contestant has personal tragedy..
•  ..but is ’stronger’
• ‘Everyman Judge’ (Randy Jackson) makes blithe and less than insightful commentary about the contestant’s abilities, capped by the address ‘Dawg’
• ‘Antipathy Judge’ and ‘Sympathy Judge’ fall out! (bonus points for dreary retread in the tabloids)
• Simon Cowell cries (game over - EVERYONE wins!)
• Gratutious hyperbole: ‘greatest night of my life’, ‘most amazing thing I’ve ever seen’ et cetera
• Gratutitous ownage: ‘you made that song your own’, ‘you owned that song’, ‘the night was yours’ et cetera
• Gratuitous disbelief: ‘I can’t believe I’m here’, ‘that was literally unbelievable’, et cetera
• Gratutitous discussion of ‘potential’: ‘Tonight you looked like a star’, ‘you have the potential to be world class’.. ( yeah, right - see you in panto next year..)

In fact, screw it. Just get drunk and watch the the musically delusioned slog it out for the first few weeks and lose interest when the whole thing progresses to the blue-studio-clapalong phase..

Despite the misfortune of posessing faces like a bucketload of spanners, these amazing people can make pleasant noises with their vocal chords. Let’s hear it for the incredible singing uglies!

Britain may have talent - but sometimes it’s as shallow as hell..

Exhibit no. 1;-

Exhibit no. 2;-

Exhibit no. 3;-

Yes, gang violence can be thwarted by the power of interpretative dance.

Also, trilby hats are pretty cool, but only if worn over the eyes.

xx <3 RIP Michael Joseph Jackson 1958-2009 <3 xx

( ‘Sex war’ ? Not whilst we have the power of interpretative dance !)

(It almost seems as if you have seen this video somewhere before..)

(Yes.. I’m starting to see a common thread developing.. at least this bunch were a bit friendlier to each other!)

(Note: I would say that Li’l Kim should stick to rap and leave the singing alone until she has had a li’l more practise. That’s not me ‘holding her back’ from anything other than the wrath of Simon Cowell. And Christina.. you’re not black, sweetheart. Neither are you from a tough neighbourhood. Just sayin’. )

Yes, Beowulf raises his drinking horn to the masterful creativity of the music video director! Now, I wonder if there are any music videos out there that feature a group being filmed through a fish-eye lens in Times Square..