Things I hate about chavs

•  Chavs wear cheap sportswear.

You’ve obviously never seen the inside of gym in your life. The “trackie bottoms” tucked in to your socks. Why? WHY? And you know what? Wearing a baseball cap and hoodie makes you look like a duck.

• Chavs use personal drama to impress others.

“Yeah, well from the age of one I was beaten, shot, stabbed and made to eat sawdust..”. Wow. No way. I’m just going to stand over here now..

• Chavs play tinny R&B on cellphones.

Get some taste, and some headphones. Really.

• Chavs use “connections” to impress others.

“Do you know the Smiths..? What about the Jones..? Wicked.”

 There are no chavs here in the Mead Hall. They have their own afterlife, which is basically a huge McDonalds in the sky. They stand outside it and pose whilst smoking cigarettes and pretending to fight. They might go inside and huddle around a coffee for a few hours if it’s especially cold.

http://www.chavworld.co.uk/

Beowulf shows you how: JOB INTERVIEWS

In the twenty-first century, in order to procure mead one has to trade services, rather like in my own time. However, instead of merely becoming a spear-thane or serf, you may have to sit in a small room talking into a plastic speaking horn or writing things on paper.

Traditionally, a meeting takes place to ensure your suitability for this soul-crushing endeavour between yourself and your prospective overlord. This is called a ‘job interview’.

This will consist of a series of questions designed to reveal your dedication, personality and ability to think ‘on your feet’ – however, this is horse dung as the only thing your ‘job interview’ really reveals is your ability to answer stock questions with stock answers, and this is where I come in!

So, Mr. Beowulf , why do you think that you would like to work with us here at MEGACORP™ PLC?

‘Actually, I don’t specifically want to work for you , the reason that I am allowing you to breathe my air right now is because I am offering to trade my services for mead.’

What special skills do you think that you can bring to us?

‘..The same services I bring to everyone else, My Lord – a stout heart and a sharpened spear. What special rates of financial recompense are you offering me ?’

Can you think of a time that you achieved something that you’re proud of?

‘..I got here didn’t I?’

What are your weak points?  / What do you like to do in your spare time? / Tell me about yourself?

(Like I’m going to tell you ! Beowulf advises resorting to lies and half-truths here that are designed to cast you in a good light – for example, your weak point is that you’re a complete workaholic, and in your spare time there is nothing you enjoy more than reading to orphans.)

What do you look for in a job?

‘Money’.

If you were an animal, what would you be, and why?

‘I would be a mighty lion, biting your ass for asking me absurd questions.’

What kind of salary are you going for?

‘..No, go on. You first. Tell me.’

(This is a mental game of rock, paper, scissors in which your prospective warrior king will try to find out how little he can get away with paying you. Beowulf advises you to mumble inaudibly at this point.)

Have you any questions?

‘Yes, do I get the job? Until you answer that one, everything else is irrelevant to me.’

So, in summary, I wish you the very best of luck in this strange ritual and your quest for mead.

HAIL THE VICTORIOUS DEAD!