Archive for the Dating Category

Beowulf does not love New York

Posted in Dating, Entertainment on October 12, 2009 by Beowulf

Ok, so there is this show on VH1 called ‘I Love New York’, except it’s not about New York at all, it’s about a woman called New York, who is actually really called Tiffany Pollard.

With me so far? Good.

Well, this is a dating show. You see, what happens is that several brave warriors – who also have names seemingly picked at random from a newspaper – try their hand at winning New York, a woman with a bizarrely over-inflated sense of her own attractiveness. She likes some more than others. Then she changes her mind. But eventually one of them gets to take her out. Or something. 

 Ok, well I have couple of  problems with this, namely;-

1) No-one knows what New York looks like without her make-up, wig and push up bra.

New York

New York - somewhere underneath all this lot

I mean, come on. There might be something horrible going on under there. I’m not fighting for a wench just because everyone else is. New York, I suspect that your beauty is as genuine as your name.

2) The whole premise of this show – and perhaps New York’s fame – rests on her eligibility.

So you’re really gonna choose someone to settle down with, New York? You’ll go and bake cakes and raise children in the ‘burbs and leave this whole dating tv thing to someone else? Yeah, right.

3) This all happens under the watchful eye of her Mother.

Yes, her MOTHER. As any spear-thane knows, this is not conducive to romance and reduces the chances of swifan to absolutely none, zero, zilch, nada, nothing. Wōden help us, just the thought of it makes my mead curdle.

Anyway, do watch it. It’s insanely good, even if you have no idea why these proud warriors are even bothering given the plentiful supply of unenhanced, unaccompanied and genuinely available women out there.


Beowulf shows you how: DATING TRANSLATOR

Posted in Dating on August 15, 2008 by Beowulf

‘It’s not you, it’s me

..It’s not me, it’s you

‘You’re too good for me’

..I’m too good for you

‘I’m not ready for a relationship right now’

..with you

‘You’re like a brother/sister to me’

..I don’t want to have sex with you

‘I like you better as a friend’

..I don’t want to have sex with you

‘Can we stay friends?’

..please don’t make a scene if we bump into each other

‘I feel like this relationship is holding me back’

..from having sex with other people

‘Let’s just see how it goes’

..I still get to have sex with other people, right?

Beowulf’s guide to internet dating

Posted in Dating on June 19, 2008 by Beowulf
  1. Attractive.
  2. Sane.
  3. Single.

Pick two.