Archive for the Entertainment Category

Beowulf does not love New York

Posted in Dating, Entertainment on October 12, 2009 by Beowulf

Ok, so there is this show on VH1 called ‘I Love New York’, except it’s not about New York at all, it’s about a woman called New York, who is actually really called Tiffany Pollard.

With me so far? Good.

Well, this is a dating show. You see, what happens is that several brave warriors – who also have names seemingly picked at random from a newspaper – try their hand at winning New York, a woman with a bizarrely over-inflated sense of her own attractiveness. She likes some more than others. Then she changes her mind. But eventually one of them gets to take her out. Or something. 

 Ok, well I have couple of  problems with this, namely;-

1) No-one knows what New York looks like without her make-up, wig and push up bra.

New York

New York - somewhere underneath all this lot

I mean, come on. There might be something horrible going on under there. I’m not fighting for a wench just because everyone else is. New York, I suspect that your beauty is as genuine as your name.

2) The whole premise of this show – and perhaps New York’s fame – rests on her eligibility.

So you’re really gonna choose someone to settle down with, New York? You’ll go and bake cakes and raise children in the ‘burbs and leave this whole dating tv thing to someone else? Yeah, right.

3) This all happens under the watchful eye of her Mother.

Yes, her MOTHER. As any spear-thane knows, this is not conducive to romance and reduces the chances of swifan to absolutely none, zero, zilch, nada, nothing. Wōden help us, just the thought of it makes my mead curdle.

Anyway, do watch it. It’s insanely good, even if you have no idea why these proud warriors are even bothering given the plentiful supply of unenhanced, unaccompanied and genuinely available women out there.

http://www.vh1.com/shows/i_love_new_york/season_1/series.jhtml

Beowulf presents.. THE X FACTOR DRINKING GAME

Posted in Entertainment on May 5, 2009 by Beowulf

OK, here are the rules – you drink whenever you hear one of these clichés. Obviously, the aim of the game is to get drunk. I’ll leave it to you lot to figure out who wins. Or something.

Ready? Good.

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  • I/he/she/you/they have been on an ‘incredible journey’
  • I really ‘want/need’ this
  • ‘..PLEASE’, directed at ‘Sympathy Judge’ (Cheryl Cole, Paula Abdul, Sharon Osbourne et cetera)
  • The contestant is ‘kooky’
  • The contestant is not conventionally attractive, but (gasp) can sing! Step forward Paul Potts, Susan Boyle et cetera
  • The contestant is disabused of the notion that they are musically and vocally competent by the ‘Antipathy Judge’ (Simon Cowell)
  • ‘You’re wrong, Simon Cowell! You haven’t heard the last of me!’ (Come on, we don’t even hear about the people who win a year after the show finishes!)
  • It’s a split decisison (or too early in the series to boot out the mediocre..) give the deciding vote to the ‘Sympathy Judge!’
  • Contestant cries 
  • I’m doing this for my Grandad / teacher / cat et cetera..
  • ‘I just wanna make a better life for my kids’ (another way of saying this is ‘I want more money’)
  • Sympathy Judge cries
  • Simon Cowell looks offended by less than competent singing (cue rolling eyes!)
  • Audience cries
  • The contestant has personal tragedy..
  •  ..but is ‘stronger’
  • ‘Everyman Judge’ (Randy Jackson) makes blithe and less than insightful commentary about the contestant’s abilities, capped by the address ‘Dawg’
  • ‘Antipathy Judge’ and ‘Sympathy Judge’ fall out! (bonus points for dreary retread in the tabloids)
  • Simon Cowell cries (game over – EVERYONE wins!)
  • Gratutious hyperbole: ‘greatest night of my life’, ‘most amazing thing I’ve ever seen’ et cetera
  • Gratutitous ownage: ‘you made that song your own’, ‘you owned that song’, ‘the night was yours’ et cetera
  • Gratuitous disbelief: ‘I can’t believe I’m here’, ‘that was literally unbelievable’, et cetera
  • Gratutitous discussion of ‘potential’: ‘Tonight you looked like a star’, ‘you have the potential to be world class’.. ( yeah, right – see you in panto next year..)

In fact, screw it. Just get drunk and watch the the musically delusioned slog it out for the first few weeks and lose interest when the whole thing progresses to the blue-studio-clapalong phase..

‘Sex And The City’ – a review

Posted in Entertainment on June 6, 2008 by Beowulf

Well, obviously, I understand that now there is a magic box in which little people perform plays, and a lot of people have these boxes. One of the plays – ‘Sex And The City’  – is about four serving wenches who quest out of their village to a place where buildings are tall and people talk about clothes before having sex.

Well, it’s all very confusing to someone like myself, but following the adventures of Carrie, SamanthaLeofwen and  Kyneþryð (or whatever their names are) is not without some entertainment value. Notwithstanding the fact that they consistently refer to themselves as ‘girls’ despite being of an age when most sane women have taken to embroidery, and in addition to talk of clothing before sex, they are also very interested in talk of sex whilst wearing clothing.

Also, they appear to always have bathed recently which is a novelty in itself!

The character Carrie is constantly engaged in a battle of wits with a warrior simply known as Big, a name worthy of any of my spear-thanes. Although Big also discusses sex, he is great in both stature and renown.

Apparently, there is a larger version of the play available in  theatres right now, and I would recommend a visit to see this mighty warrior’s exploits. However, I would recommend against paying too much attention to the strange women who discuss sex and wear clothes, as it may blur your mind before battle.

I raise my drinking horn to him! 

ALL HAIL BIG!